How does a new school affect you and your child? Sabnum Dharamsi offers a spiritual perspective on change and parenthood.
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
Kahlil Gibran, lines from “The Prophet”
My heart goes out to children. They are young in the world, sensitive and vulnerable. When the school year begins I see them bravely travelling to their new school for the first time. It’s a huge transition – perhaps the biggest in their lives. As an Islamic counsellor, researcher and trainer, I’m aware of how difficult school transitions can be and the lasting impact they can have. They can be felt well into adulthood. I hear statements like: “I was so lonely, I would do anything to get attention and make friends.” Or “I’d try to make rude jokes to get some cheap laughs. I felt really bad about myself -like I’d betrayed my family and religion. I started to withdraw. I still struggle to socialise, especially outside of work.” Children are particularly vulnerable to transitions. They can start underperforming and self-esteem can plummet to a degree that can affect employment opportunities and the ability to form relationships. Whether primary or secondary, going to a new school is simultaneously scary and thrilling in ways that we often forget as adults.
What is it that makes these early events so important? Neuroscience tells us that emotions shape and change our brains. Emotionally charged events provoke responses that are then etched into long-term memory and behaviour. Although it is possible to change, these are deep-rooted patterns, and we are often unaware of them. These transitional times represent rites of passage – growing up and taking one’s place in the world. They are also intense leaps of faith into the unknown. Most parents hope that with these experiences comes growth – perhaps expansion of the mind and body, or healthy friendships. But the reality is that parents and children know that there is also the potential for pain, rejection and failure. Hope and fear, together.
For Muslim parents and children there are often the extra pressures of being different. Parents and children question their values; what is it to be a Muslim in today’s society? Secularism versus
faith, understanding gender roles, body image, socialising, relationships, sexuality, terrorism, and the minefield of new technology – all figure strongly as young and older minds negotiate their bearings and identities. These questions are all the more vexed in the harsh light of current perceptions about Islam.
So going to a new school is a big change, but where there’s a challenge, there’s also huge potential. Unsettling times can presage the development of new skills, strength and maturity. The Qur’an points out that life was not created for ease. That’s because there is a fundamental relationship between change, challenge and human development. Spirituality introduced into this context when parents and young people appreciate that the focus of education is to bring a precious human being to their full potential, and all that entails. This holistic concept of education can also be seen in the Islamic concept of tarbiyyah. Nowadays tarbiyyah has come to mean children’s religious instruction, but you can get a feel for its original meaning by knowing that this word linguistically connects to Rabb, one of the Divine names of God, meaning Lord, Nurturer and Developer.
The journey of this word over time perhaps reflects society’s changing concerns; that education was once seen as elevated and expansive whereas now it is constricted and constrained. Education is a complex field, but at its best education – tarbiyyah – is about becoming fully human, rather than simply focussing on outward achievements and knowledge. Both outward and inward aspects are important in moving our consciousness from darkness to light. This journey from darkness to light is the concern of all human beings at all stages in our lives, but in times of transition there can be huge shifts in consciousness that enliven our hearts and exercise our minds. Being out of our comfort zones helps us grow. When parents – and indeed young people themselves – stay focused on the principle of tarbiyyah, it helps to contextualise the stress of change.
What does this mean in practical terms? Here are some guidelines drawn from studies or real life experiences of people I’ve worked with. Each guideline reflects the core principle of tarbiyyah.
• Preparation
As well as physically preparing for a new school, emotional preparation is important. Start to treat your child in a more adult-like way before school starts, so that that they don’t get a huge shock when they go! Allow them more opportunities for decision-making. Talk to them about what it’s like to start something new. If it is primary school, talk about how it will be different -getting dressed by themselves, eating at school, and asking for help, hopes and fears. If it’s secondary school, perhaps discuss the loss of teachers and friends, and the prospect of new relationships and school subjects. ‘Big school’ can seem overwhelming, so discussing the size of the school and the feeling of not knowing may help children to identify their feelings and therefore cope better with them.
• Understanding.
Understanding what’s going on for your child is essential. In all the frantic preparation, it’s worth taking a moment – and a breath – to reflect on what this change means for them. Remember for example that their upset and anger over not having the correct uniform or pencil case may really be about fears and anxiety about identity and belonging.
• Talking
Just talking’ with someone you love is one of the easiest things to do, and one of the hardest things to get right. Protectiveness makes us want to step in and sort things out. But gently asking questions about their experiences allows them to feel less alone, and encouraging your child to share how they feel helps them to make sense of things for themselves. These emotional intelligence skills also teach them to be reflective. As one of my counsellor friends used to say: ‘Don’t worry if they can’t say – sometimes it can be hard for a young person to speak – because they can’t always name what they feel. They may act out – be more tearful, seem withdrawn. Noticing that in a non-confrontational way by giving them a hug and saying ‘I can see you look a little sad, I’m here if you want to talk’, can really help to let them know you are there.” Making the time to listen when they approach nurtures the relationship so children know from an early age they can talk to you about anything.
• Balance
Easier said than done, but it’s important to strike the right balance between school, home and other activities. Extra-curricular activities can build competence and confidence, facilitate friendships and provide a break from school.
• Modelling
As a parent you are the most important role model in a child’s life. And just as much as what you say, it’s what you do and how you are that counts. If you can be happy and sad and resilient with the changes that happen in your life, if your relationships are loving and just, then you will be teaching your children in unspoken but profoundly powerful ways.
• Religion
Religion can help children to anchor themselves, especially when children associate God with love and mercy. Religion can sometimes be made to seem like a chore, but young people are often naturally spiritual. As one colleague told me, “My mother always said that God knows everything you’re going through and is always there for you to turn to.” Simple prayers and spiritual understandings can help children in ways that are not dependent on others, and which perhaps can help them even beyond your lifetime. • Asking for Help If you feel concerned, speak to the school. Let the school know if there are difficulties, whether at home or school. Many schools are aware of the pressures that transitions bring and can support children to adjust. There are school counsellors, personal tutors, or your child may also suggest a teacher they find easy to talk to. However even with the best intentions, parents can be thrown off balance. Children are spiritual tests, and they can push your boundaries and hurt your feelings. Can a parent ever be good enough or brave enough? Parenting demands that first you give up yourself for your children, only to ultimately and gradually let them go – out of love. When the child begins life, she comes from a union between father and mother. She is then part of her mother, and then in birth, comes separation. The umbilical cord is cut, and from then on every stage in the child’s development marks increasing separation from you -exploring their own world, that stage of saying no to everything, to becoming an independent person. It is a spiritual test that at times can be excruciating for parent and child alike because it has this paradox of attachment and separation at its centre. Yet this paradox is totally natural and designed by God to take us way beyond what we thought we knew. When the Prophet Abraham° is asked to sacrifice his child, we know without being told that he is fighting the deepest instinct of all – to protect his child. Abraham’s willingness to do so is a profound act of love and trust in God. He reminds us that we need to do our best, and then hand their lives over to God. He reminds us how, though we are driven to create these bonds, that every human relationship comes from God and that children do not belong to us, but to Him.•
Sabnum Dharamsi is an Islamic Counsellor and Trainer wwwislamiccounsellinginfo