Although bullying can take a variety of forms, it is characterised by one key issue-the abuse of power. Sabnum Dharansi highlights how we can guard against it.
The tragic news of Hannah Smith, the 14 year-old British schoolgirl who committed suicide in August this year after suffering abuse from cyberbullies, once again focused the nation’s attention on bullying. Many worrying statistics came to light, especially about online bullying, with organisations like Childline reporting a total of 4,507 complaints about online bullying in 2012-13, up 87 per cent from the previous year. We saw government getting involved to apply pressure on social networking sites to become more responsible and provide safeguards to protect young people from online abuse. But what is bullying? And can it ever be dealt with? This serious and complex topic is little understood. And it does need to be understood – for the sake of young people like Hannah. For the first thing to know about bullying is that it can happen anywhere and at any age – it’s not just the province of the online world or of young people. There are many definitions of bullying. According to the Tim Field Foundation (bullyonline.org) “bullying is persistent unwelcome behaviour, mostly using unwarranted or invalid criticism, nit-picking, fault-finding, also exclusion, isolation, being singled out and treated differently, being shouted at, humiliated, excessive monitoring, having verbal and written warnings imposed, and much more.” Bullying at its root is the abuse of power. Whether the action is physical bullying (like kicking or punching) verbal or written bullying (harassing someone with inappropriate sexual or racial comments or intimidating someone with threats online) or social (excluding someone or ganging up on someone) bullying is essentially the misuse of power. So why do people behave in this way? What makes people bully others? Are some people more likely to bully than others? In the animal kingdom, naked displays of power are common. Chimpanzees, for example will fight to establish dominance as the alpha male but also to make their tribe or group the dominant one. The alpha male or the dominant group gets access to the best resources, including sexual partners and the ability to control others. We like to think we human beings are more sophisticated, and we can be so, yet all of us also have the propensity to behave like animals. As the Qur’an says, we have the potential to be higher than the angels or lower than the animals. Part of our nature is raw and instinctual – including the potential for fierceness and savagery. There is a beast within, a beast that would like to crush the competition and that wants to be and respects the ‘top dog’. You can witness this assertion of dominance very clearly in gang behaviour, but also in the nasty put-downs that occur in communities and even between friends.
So what stops this animal aspect from taking over completely? There is also another side to us – the aspect of us that finds the idea of this base behaviour abhorrent. This higher aspect, in Islamic terminology, is known as the `fitra’. Human beings are born with the `fitra’, the natural disposition of the human being, which is inclined from birth to do right and to love God and His beautiful qualities. The fitra within us tells us that we love justice, friend-ship, love and peace. There is within us (thank God!) a blueprint that beckons us to love and worship these divine qualities. We long to be “higher than the angels”. It’s who we are supposed to be.
Both the fitra and the animal aspects are God-given aspects of who we are, and we need both. But what we also need to understand is how to be with both in the right way. Challenges and experiences encourage the exercise of rationality and reflection so that we teach ourselves to make better choices. As we go through life we begin to under-stand that we need to be more circumspect in the way we exercise power. But becoming wiser is not a given. Not being a beast or a bully is something we also have to learn. One of the key barriers to this learning is our own selves. We can be in denial of this animal aspect within us. We would like to deny it because it’s uncomfortable to think of ourselves as being so low. We would like to pretend it’s not there, because it can be difficult and dangerous. Denial of the value and longing for power is serious because it means that we don’t acknowledge the reality of a situation and can even hide from our own motivations. We fool ourselves by saying things like “they deserved it” or “if I didn’t, somebody else would have”. Denial is also one of the reasons why bullying is often unrecognised by the perpetrators, victims and bystanders (those who witness bullying). It is common to hear bullying being trivialised: “it’s just a laugh” or “people can just switch off if they don’t like it”. And this is serious because it means that those who are being victimised by bullies feel that they are somehow to blame for not being able to stand up to the abuse. Research shows that victims and bystanders typically do not seek help from peers or adults when they are unable to solve the problem on their own and that victims are likely to blame themselves for their victimisation and to “suffer in silence”. And it is obvious how not seeking help and blaming oneself can lead people to feeling like they are helpless and alone. And sometimes those feelings become overwhelming and people start to believe they will never succeed in life. And this is the dangerous part – sometimes people become so despairing that they lose hope entirely.
Changing this culture of denial is not easy. Most of us would perhaps like to deny our lust for power and dominance, and think of ourselves as good people. But we can begin by recognising that power and control are valuable to us, and that they help us to be and feel less vulnerable. Power and control is seductive and attractive. We all need to win sometimes. What is problematic though is if we need to win all the time, or if we want to win in ways that damage others. One of the key aspects though, about the ‘fitra’, and human development, is learning to exercise power with justice, love and compassion. I believe that part of this is being able to see through our blind spots and denials, and reflect on our own vulnerability and to accept the mistakes that we make. In other words, we also need to come to terms with the fact that with winning also comes losing. Reflecting on our vulnerability is hard because it means admitting to ourselves – and sometimes to others – that we are weak, and that can make us even more vulnerable. And feeling vulnerable can make you want to defend yourself, perhaps when you’ve not even been attacked. It’s often said that bullies are insecure, attacking others in the hope that no one will attack them. Vulnerability can arise because of a number of factors. It can come about through being different (the only Muslim in a place of work or school, or being red-haired), or from being sensitive. It can come about from being a failure, unpopular, being young, being old, being un-sporty, even caring for others can make us vulnerable – but essentially everyone is vulnerable in some way, though some more than others. So if you are alive, you are vulnerable, and being honest about it is not only humbling – it is part of overcoming that vulnerability through wisdom and understanding. Combining honesty about being vulnerable, as well as being honest about loving power, helps us to say, “Okay I made a mistake,” or “Okay I lost this one but I will try again”, or “Okay they don’t like me but God loves me.” We need to come to terms with both the bully and the victim within, and make peace with them both. Only then can we begin to acknowledge the importance of power, whilst caring for the vulnerable aspects in ourselves and in others. This is real power as opposed to oppression; power exercised with love and justice and humanity, the kind of power that inspires us because we know that this is power well used, power that benefits us as individuals and as a society, and which makes us better people.
• Counselling can be a great support for children and adults. For contacts try:
• Islamic counselling www.islamiccounselling.info The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy www.bacp.co.uk
• Childline at www.childline.org.uk/Explore/ Bullying
• NSPCC at www.nspcc.org.uk or www.gov.uk/bullying-at-school
• ACAS www.acas.org.uk/index