Bismillah Hir Rahman Nir Rahim
This beautiful blog is written by an anonymous beautiful soul whom I encouraged to share – I knew that what she shared would be so helpful to many of you. May Allah make this a sadaqa ijariya for her, and help all of those who struggle to find peace in prayer, especially those who have OCD.
When I stand up in prayer, I am met with many unwanted thoughts. “Am I placing my hands correctly? Did I pronounce my letters correctly? Am I changing the meaning unknowingly? Am I doing anything wrong that will invalidate my prayer?” I am exhausted before I have even finished my recitation of Surah Fatiha. Why do I do this though? What is it about prayer that brings on these thoughts? What is the purpose behind my prayer and what benefits am I supposed to be receiving when all I am facing is difficulty upon difficulty instead!?
The answer lies in how I see Allah. Allah is the One who is the Judge. He is the One who looks down on my prayers and the innermost thoughts of my mind and He will assess whether my prayer is valid, whether I am sincere enough and whether I am deserving of His attention. How can I then not double-check and overthink every step of my prayer? But sadly, I have forgotten who our Lord is. He is the One who reminds us that He is the Most Merciful and the Most Compassionate before He tells us that He is the Judge. He is Our Rabb, our Nurturer, the One who loves us more than our own mothers. How can I be belittling Allah’s Love for me to a matter of whether my hands are a cm higher/lower than they need to be? How am I dismissing Allah’s mercy when I am trying hard again and again to pray to the best of my ability and continuously feeling like I’m failing, when all Allah sees is a beloved servant of His trying? Do I truly believe that the One who created me and the world I see but cannot comprehend, will toss aside my efforts because I do not trust myself enough to believe that my efforts mean something in comparison to the wide world around me? Why do I lack trust in myself, but most importantly, why am I lacking in my thoughts about Allah? Why am I destroying myself with increasing doubts and obsessive thoughts about the validity of my prayers instead of thinking about and trusting the Lord of my prayers!?
When Allah commanded us to pray to Him 5 times a day, it was not because He wanted to create difficulty for us, in fact, He wanted to provide us with intervals of peace during our busy days by prescribing us with times of worship and remembrance of Him. However, when I approach prayer, all I find is difficulty and peace is far out of reach and that is because I do not pray to worship Allah and to remember Him, I am praying to tick a checkbox on my mental to-do lists. When I am bombarded with questions during prayer, I tick off other checkboxes in my prayer to-do lists and sadly, I quickly lose connection with Allah and ultimately, my relationship with Him.
This Ramadhan though, I am flipping the narrative and putting my checklists away. When I pray, I approach prayer to establish a connection and loving relationship with my Lord and I have hope that He will answer me. My Merciful Rabb will allow my prayers to be a sense of relief for me during my day-to-day life, just as He prescribed.
So beautiful and touching to read.
Thank you for sharing dear friend.
Thank you Salva – really appreciate your comment, will be so supportive for the OP as well.
As a counsellor, I see many of our beautiful brothers and sisters struggle with these issues so thank you very much for sharing your struggles with so much insight and with such humility. I will share this with my clients and I know it will benefit them. We are all reminders for each other of Allah’s infinite compassion and mercy.
Our culture also teaches us, wrongly, to lay all emphasis on rites,rituals, ceremonies and transactional aspects of the deen, and, as you rightly and beautifully put it, it is the heart and its connection to Allah that we bring into our conscious awareness when we pray or perform these rituals. That is what’s key to our wellbeing and state in this world and the next.
Thank you and may Allah grant you blessings and healing in abundance.
Thank you Ayesha! So true!